


If Only

by Jinx (jinx37kat)



Series: If Only [1]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-03-17
Updated: 2000-03-17
Packaged: 2018-04-25 14:37:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4964464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinx37kat/pseuds/Jinx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack says goodbye</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only

I knew this time was going to come. I mean, please! I've been waiting for this exact moment to find me and bite me on the ass. Okay, so maybe I'm being cynical. Hell, no one ever blamed me from being otherwise, right? Anyway, actually, I've been waiting for this moment ever since we rescued Sha'u'ri. That was the beginning of the end, as they say. 

I suppose I should explain myself a bit more. See, not long after the Thor's Hammer fiasco, Daniel and I got together. Yeeesss, it's exactly what it sounds like. Daniel and I became more than just co-workers. More than friends. God, we spent some of the best times of my life together. But, I knew it wouldn't last. It couldn't. Not with the crappy Irish luck that a certain colonel has had in the past. Ya know when they talk about Irish luck...? Well, they lie. 

Anyway, Daniel and I were together for the better part of two years. He could make me laugh like no other. And frustrating...? Ya have a few thousand hours to spend. I'll give you frustrating. The man wouldn't know a direct order if it bit him on the ass. All right, okay, that's not being fair. Daniel has, on occasion, followed a direct order. Okay, to be totally fair... on more than several occasions, he has followed orders. In fact, he's pretty good at following orders, for the most part. Though, there have been times that getting that man to listen, let alone follow an order, is like pulling blood from a rock. Way impossible. 

Okay, so I got off topic. I do that. I can. I'm a colonel. 

As I was saying, I knew this moment was coming and I was prepared for it. In fact, I've been prepared for it since we liberated Skaara. Yeah, I know. I said that I've been waiting since Sha'u'ri, which is true, but, I've been waiting for the final shoe to drop since Skaara. 

See, I told Daniel way back when that I would do everything possible to get Sha'u'ri and Skaara back. And I meant it. However, I didn't count on falling in love with a certain brainy linguist. Yeah, I said it.... love. I've been known to say the "L" word a few times in my life, ya know. Just ask my ex-wife. Well, on second thought, don't. She would just tell you that I had a problem with communicating and wouldn't know the "L" word if I looked it up in the dictionary. 

Off topic again? Yeah, so?! 

Anyhoo (god, how I hate that expression), I fell in love with Daniel. Did he fall in love with me, you might ask? I don't know. See, we never said the "L" word to each other. Ever. I was too afraid that he wouldn't return my feelings, so I chickened out on several occasions. Besides, technically, he was still married and we were still looking for his wife and brother-in-law. How could I ever let my feelings known only to have them thrown back at me, which I knew they would have. I mean, let's face it... Daniel was still deeply in love with his wife. Wasn't he? 

Of course he was... is, sorry, is. Daniel IS in love with he wife. He sure as hell proved that when we got her back. And proved it and proved it and proved it. God, for a minute there in the embarkation room, I thought he was going to suck her tonsils out. Hell, I thought they were going to go at it right then and there! I had to clear my throat about fifty times to get their attention. The fucking mountain could have fallen down and they would have had no clue. 

Okay, I'm sounding a bit bitter and I shouldn't be. I'm not really. Just sad. As I've been saying from the beginning, I've been waiting for this moment, right? 

Jack looked around the sparse looking room before going up the few steps to the main door. Opening it, he surveyed his house one last time before stepping outside and closing the door firmly behind him. Tossing his duffle bag in the passenger seat of his jeep, he got in and started the engine. There was one last place to visit before leaving. 

Damn, I'm going to miss this place. I never thought I would ever say that about any assignment the military threw at me. I mean, hell, the military has had me in some real hellholes in my career, and some half-way decent places, too. But, this.... this has got to be the best. Where else can you explore the galaxy that only a few lucky people have ever had the pleasure of going? And, they have only been as far as the moon! I've been out there! 

One thing that no one knows about me, not even Daniel is that I've been exploring the stars since I was a kid. I had a telescope poking out of my bedroom window since I can remember. Yeah, I did other things, too, when I was a kid. How else do you explain me kicking ass in street hockey! But, at night? When everyone was asleep and the stars were more visible once all the lights around the neighborhood went out? That was the best. I saw planets, moons, stars, everything that was out there. But, I never dreamed I'd grow up to be a part of it. Shit. I'm sounding like Carter now. 

All right, first things first. Car to elevator. Elevator to 26th floor. 26th floor to office. Done. 

Jack locked the door behind him and leaned hard against the metal frame, scrubbing his eyes with both hands. Blinking quickly, he looked around the grey room and moved over to his desk. Taking out the necessary paper, he loaded it into the printer and sat down at his computer. Turning it on, he waited for it to warm up, entered his password and began typing. 

Hmm, it wasn't as hard as I orginally thought. Well, it shouldn't be. I mean, I've done it enough times, I should be a pro! I've just got to click the old 'print' button, and I'll be all set. 

He sat in front of the printer, waiting for all the pages to print. Once finished, Jack gathered the pages, reading over them carefully. He took out a pen from his desk, signed said papers and lay the pen down. Finished. 

Now for the tricky part. See, just in case it has escaped you, I just typed up my formal resignation. The tricky part is getting through the debriefing SG-1 has in, oh....ten minutes, without letting on that anything is up. But, hell, this is me, right? I'm a colonel in the USAF. I've been trained to hide stuff. The only problem is that the one person I really want to hide this from is going to be the hardest person to hide it from in the first place. Does that make sense? 

Well, I might as well pack what little I have in here before... oh, shit! "Who is it?" 

"It's Daniel, Jack. Can I come in?" 

Shit! I so don't need this now. Okay. All right. Just flip the paper over so he can't read it and don't let it get out of reach. 

Jack walked over to the door, opening it. 

"Hey there. What's up?" 

Daniel moved into the office and closed the door behind him. Jack followed close behind him and moved around so that he was sitting on the edge of his desk and practically sitting on the papers. 

"Hey, Jack, long time no see." 

Jack raised an eyebrow in a great imitation of Teal'c. "Whaddya mean? We just got back from off-world not..." Jack checked his watch and looked back up at Daniel, "...thirteen hours ago." 

Shifting from foot to foot, Daniel briefly glanced up at Jack before returning his gaze to the floor. "Oh, not that. I mean," he looked up at Jack and stared him in the eye. "You haven't been by to see us in awhile. I was just wondering... you know, if something was wrong...or...something." He shrugged and adjusted his glasses. 

Jack closed his eyes. //Ah, hell, like I need this guilt-thing going on right now. Danny, don't do this to me, damnit! I can't go through with this when you do stuff like this. Please.// Pressing his thumb and forefinger into his eyes and rubbing hard, Jack shook his head. "Danny, nothing's wrong. I'm just tired, is all." //Oh, god, please believe me, Daniel. Please believe this lie. For once let me lie good enough, please.// 

Daniel tilted his head and examined Jack as though he were one of the artifacts they just brought back. Deciding that what he saw satisfied him, a small curve of lips and a twinkling of the eyes turned Jack's way. "Yeah, I know what you mean." //Oh, thank god//, Jack sighed to himself. "Things have been insane the past few weeks. It's just that Skaara has been asking about you and Sha'u'ri has been wanting to try her new cooking skills out." 

"What about Carter? Or Teal'c?" Jack asked, happy that he had not been found out. 

Daniel leaned on the desk next to Jack. "They've been over. Several times. But, you... You haven't been over in forever. Sha'u'ri is being to think you don't like her." 

Jack did another great imitation of Teal'c, raising his eyebrow high. "Now, why would she think that? I've been over plenty of times." 

"In the beginning, Jack. But, not for awhile." 

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "Been busy." //Oh, great O'Neill. Can you sound any more lame?// 

"Yeah, that's what I've told her, but.." It was Daniel's turn to shrug his shoulders. 

Jack was beginning to fidget. They were treading on ground he was unprepared to go on. They both knew the real reason Jack had not visited. Well, Jack knew the real reason, and he was pretty sure that Daniel knew, but, Daniel was ignoring the problem. And, therein lay the reason Jack was leaving. Daniel refused to see that Jack was miserable. Sure, on the outside the rest of the world saw Colonel Jack O'Neill USAF. Resident smartass. But, Daniel, if he were really paying any sort of attention would know that the sarcasm was merely a front for Jack's feelings. It was hard to do the whole 'setting free' bit. But, that's what he was here for. He was setting Daniel free to love his wife without a lovesick colonel waiting in the wings. 

"Jack?" 

O'Neill shook himself and looked into Daniel's concerned blue eyes. Daniel's hand was still on his shoulder where he shook Jack and Jack looked down at the outstretched arm. Daniel snatched it away as though burned. 

"Sorry," he mumbled. 

Jack smiled. Almost a real one to even the most observant. "That's okay, Danny." He slid off the desk and grabbed the papers he'd been sitting on, careful to keep the contents hidden. "Ready to go to the debriefing?" 

Daniel smiled. Jack thumped Daniel on the back, keeping his hand in the small of Daniel's back and pushed him through the doorway. 

To all the world, it looked like two friends walking down the corridor together. And, in a small way, it was. 

Good grief! That was close. I don't know how in the hell I managed that little scene in my office. Like I said before, I've got crappy Irish luck. 

So, here I sit, across from Daniel in the debriefing room half-listening to Carter drone on about the scientific whatsit on the planet we just got back from. Oh, excuse me, P9R384. Must remember to call the planet by its correct specifications. Oh fuck it...it was another foresty planet with lots of trees, mountains, rocks, and highly technical people that didn't want to share their stuff with us. What a shock. None of those 'highly technical people' ever want to share their stuff with us. Oh well, at least most of those 'highly technical people' are friendly. These people didn't even want to hear it. 

Uh-oh. I think I'm in trouble here. I've either said what I was thinking out loud or the general just asked me a question and I wasn't paying attention. Shit. 

"Sorry sir?" 

"I just wondered if you had anything else to add, colonel?" 

"Um, no sir." Cover yourself, Jack. "I think the major said it all." God, I sound pathetic. Why don't you just come right out and say you weren't listening, you idiot! 

"In that case, you are dismissed. SG-1 is on stand-down for the next 36 hours." 

This is the best time to talk to the general, so I better catch him before he completely leaves the room. I can feel the team's eyes on my as I jump up and trot after Hammond, but I don't care. I gotta do this now before I chicken out. 

"Sir, may I speak with you for a moment?" 

"Colonel?" 

I look around to see if anyone else from SG-1 is still around, but they've left. Thank goodness. 

"Alone, sir?" 

Jack followed Hammond into his office and stood in front of the general's desk. His superior officer gestured for him to sit down but he merely shook his head and placed the papers he had in his hand in front of the general. Hammond's eyes flicked over the top page quick enough to know what was written within. 

"Sit down, Jack." 

O'Neill sat. 

The silence in the room stretched, but neither man said anything. Finally, the general slid the papers forward. 

"What's this, Jack?" 

"I thought that was obvious, sir." 

"I know what it is, colonel. What I want to know is why?" Hammond asked impatiently laced with concern. 

Jack shrugged, "I'm done, sir." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

Jack leaned forward in his chair and rested his hands in his lap. "Just what I said, sir. I'm done. I accomplished what I set out to do. What I had to do in the SGC. I'm done." 

"And what was that?" 

"To get Sha'u'ri and Skaara back from the Gou'ald. Well, they're back, sir. I'm not needed anymore." //In more ways than one, sir, and, no, I don't want to tell you about that little secret.// 

The general slapped his hand on his desk and stood up. "Like hell, you're not needed. You lead the most important team I have out there, Jack. How can you think that..." 

"It's not you, sir. I just..." Jack struggled to find the right words, but the only thing that kept popping into his mind was, "I'm done." 

Hammond stared at his best colonel. Gaging what Jack said was true, and finding it was. Sagging back into his chair, the general looked at Jack and nodded. 

"Okay." He reached for his phone. "I'll get SG-1 back up here so we can tell them." 

Jack's arm shot out and stilled the motion. "No, sir." 

"What? Why?" 

"I don't want them to know, sir." 

"I don't understand." The general replaced the receiver and looked at his officer. 

"Please, sir. I just don't. I just want to go without... Please." 

"Is it something that one of the members of SG-1 has done?" 

"NO!" Jack practically shouted. "No, sir. It's not the team, it's not you, it's not anything. It's just... time." 

Hammond eyed Jack again. 

"All right, Jack. If that's the way you want it." 

"It is." 

"Okay." 

Hammond stood up and came around the other side of his desk. Jack stood as well, and the two men stood in front of the other. "Goodbye, son," Hammond said before saluting his friend. 

"Goodbye, sir." Jack saluted back. 

"It's been a pleasure," Hammond stated, extending his hand. 

"Likewise,sir." Jack took the general's hand and they shook. "Like you wouldn't believe." Jack grinned and Hammond couldn't help but return it. 

"Good luck." 

"Thank you, sir." Jack turned and left the office. 

Oh, god, that was hard. I mean, turning in the resig wasn't, but saying goodbye to General Hammond was. He's been good to me, to us. He's a good man. Shit! If saying goodbye to Hammond was this hard, how hard would it have been saying goodbye to the rest of SG-1. Especially, Daniel. No way. There would have been no way to do it. Fuck! 

Jack looked around his office. He didn't know how he managed to get from the general's office to his own, but, thankfully, he didn't run into any other members of his team on the way. 

He gathered what sparse belongings he kept there and left. There was one more stop to make before leaving SGC for good. 

His personal quarters on base wasn't cluttered with his junk, either. Just a few things here and there to make it seem liveable, not that he paid too much attention when he was forced to stay on base. For those instances, he was usually too tired to care how his room looked. As long as there was a bed and and blanket, he was fine. 

Clearing his things and shoving them into his USAF bag, Jack closed and locked the door behind him and made his way to the elevator. Now, if he could just get out without bumping into anyone... 

Success! Not only was I able to clear out my office, but my quarters as well without bumping into anyone from the other SG teams. After a brief run-in with Lieutinent Roth and finding out that Carter and Daniel left right after the debrief, I was only worried about some of the other SG teams, but, finally, luck was on my side. Okay, there's a little to be said for Irish luck. I may not have it as much as I want, but, it came in handy tonight. 

I can feel my adrenaline high evaporate fast. My nerves of being found out by my team, by Daniel, and my subsequent talk with Hammond had my adrenaline up so high that nothing could touch me. Now that it's over, it's.... well, over. I did what I planned to do. The only thing left was the leaving part. 

The drive down the mountain is sure giving me more than enough time to get depressed. The reason for all the cloak-and-dagger stuff is finally catching up with me. Hell, the reason for *leaving* is catching up with me. 

I can't help but replay the small conversation that Daniel and I had in my office before the debrief tonight. I suppose I should be mad at him. I mean, if he really wanted to know why I hadn't been around lately, all he had to do was look. I mean, really look. I always told him he knew me better than I knew myself. Guess I was wrong. 

But, as much as I'm trying my damnedest to work myself in a fit of righteous anger, I can't. Not only is it not fair, but, I just can't. I knew, *knew*, that when we found Sha'u'ri that Daniel would go back to her in an instant. And well, he should. She's his wife, for christ's sake! I wouldn't expect anything less. I couldn't. 

But, fuck! Does my heart have to hurt so fucking much?! 

Shit! I woulda seen that deer in the middle of the road if there weren't so much water in my eyes. Shit. Fuck. Damn. At least I didn't hit the damned thing. I'd probably be a firey ball of metal at the bottom of the mountain if I did. 

Would that be so bad? 

I know, I know, I'm not that far off. I love Daniel, don't get me wrong, but I'm not gonna kill myself over him. I'd die for him, definately. In a heartbeat. But, kill myself? Though that option has its highlights right now, I couldn't do it. I'm having too much trouble dealing with a broken heart. 

Yeah, I know, that sounds melodramatic and all that, but, there is some truth to it, too. If you've been in love and lost that person for whatever reason, you know what I'm talking about. It's kinda a hollow feeling in your chest. Like a tunnel or something. Almost a nervous feeling, but not. More like a nothingness. I guess 'hollow' is the best word I can come up with. And to top it all off, it's a painful hollowness. Like it hurts to breath. Especially breathing in. God, that's the worst! You feel like you're being torn up inside. Not shredded or anything that grotesque. More like the hollowness, the emptyness is getting bigger and bigger. 

You know what...? Love sucks! Let me just tell you now. 

Though, as much as I'm hurting right now, I wouldn't trade the time Daniel and I had together for all the Gou'ald technology in the universe. When the hollowness begins to fill in (though, that's not likely to happen any time in the next decade or so), I'll have those memories to keep me warm and make me smile. I will have had something that no one else has ever had of Daniel. Not even Sha'u'ri. And no one can take those two years away from me. Well, Alzheimers might, but.... Okay, bad joke. Whaddya expect, here? My heart is breaking! 

Damn it! Wouldn't you know it! I'm trying to get the heck outta Dodge and my stupid Jeep makes its way to Daniel's house. 

Ya know, it's been a bitch with him living so close to me, but, yeah, I kinda made it a point not to visit too often. Hell, I was at his apartment way more than I made it to his house. And, he lives a few blocks away, now. Maybe my Jeep was going home and took a side trip to Danny's. Yeah, right. Pull the other one. 

It's dark enough outside, so I slow my Jeep up and kill the lights. I guess a part of me wants to see him one last time. I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm spying on my best friend. Ah, hell, just for one last.... yeesss. 

In my minds eye, I will treasure seeing Daniel move to the window and glance outside. Not only did I get to see Daniel's face so clearly in his living room window, but I got to see one of his rare smiles as he turned to pull the curtains close. 

Pulling out onto the road wasn't as hard as I thought it would have been. Not only do I have those two years I was telling you about? But, I have his beautiful, happy face to keep me company wherever I might end up. 

Goodbye, Danny. I love you. Be happy. 

A pair of silent red tail-lights moved down the peaceful neighborhood road. Turning a corner, they disappeared from sight, leaving the neighborhood quiet once again. 

The end?


End file.
